Dreams Can Only Carry You So Far

Dennis, I Love You...

2011-10-29T06:51:00.003+08:00

I'm so tired you know, day in day out I try my very best to make you happy, to see you smile and to hear your laugh. Your happiness is mine, but what about my own happiness? Have you ever actively tried to make me happy? Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I'm happy you know, think about it. Have you ever actively tried to make me happy, to do something for the sole sake of seeing me smile and laugh?

He asked me "where's your sense of security, the one that made you picture a future with him?", and to be honest I'm caught like a deer in headlights because I had never thought about it before. I've so many things to tell you, so many things that I want to tell you, but I can't because you'll only say "sad that you think that way" and make me think that I was the one at fault, that it was my fault that I didn't "see" what you were "doing" and what you have "done". Even after that, you won't do anything else to change the way I felt or the way I think about the situation, you just leave me there to pick up the pieces, to gloss over the whole situation as though everything is really fine and dandy.

You think that everything is fine, that nothing is wrong and that you haven't done anything wrong at all, you refuse to just put on my shoes for a while, and think thoroughly about everything that I said. You keep saying that you'll try to wipe my tears away, but every time I cry, you never do until I remind you to, or until a long time has passed. Doesn't bore you to see me crying so often? Why can't you just stop making me cry? Why can't you stop breaking my heart? Why can't I just let go?

Everything I do is wrong, everything I think you did or didn't do is just a figment of my imagination, and that in actuality you did do a lot to make me happy. Do you know how jealous I am of her? Because for that few months you were in love, she was your whole world. Even now you're still so close, you got mad and distressed when I was in close proximity alone with a friend, but what about me? What about my feelings when you tell me that you were alone with her the entire time doing the things we do together whenever we go there? I've been trying to make you understand how I feel, but did you even get the message at all?

I wanted you to text me before you sleep, it was important to me that you remembered to, because not only you said you would, but because in some ways you actually thought about me before you ended your day. Every time you forget to do it, I wake up disappointed, but I keep telling myself to smile because I keep holding on to the hope and thought that you'll remember tomorrow. "It's alright, no need to get upset about it, there's always tomorrow, he'll definitely remember." How many times do I need to console myself with that before I finally lose hope?

Love is the glue that holds me together, the one that makes me get up after each and every fall. Every time I feel like giving up, I think about you smiling at me, telling me that you love me, all the good times we have shared, all the times we cried together. I find strength from there to keep picking myself up and to keep trying my very best to make things work, in hopes that one day somehow some way, everything will turn out alright, and that I will have my happy ending with you in the end. But pray tell, how long more can that glue hold me together before it hardens and becomes brittle, before falling apart in pieces?

You know, no matter how much I write, it will all be for naught as you will never bother to read it. You probably don't even remember that I have a blog, you don't even bother anymore, so tell me why is it that I still do? Dennis, I'm begging you, with all my heart, please hear my silent plea. I'm begging you, please just truly listen to me whenever I try to tell you something, and not wait until you yourself have something you find wrong with me before being open to anything. You say that you express your love for me through actions, but where are they? Where are the actions that you claim express your love for me?

Dennis, I love you so much, so much that it hurts, but for my sake and for yours, I can't even allow you to know how I feel. Day in day out I've to pretend that I'm not in love with you yet so that you wouldn't feel pressured, but how long more can I last, and how much more can I take before I finally break forever? I'm so full of cracks now, every time I fall apart, I rely on Love to pull me together, to hold me together so that I can last through this bitter storm, so that I can continue working for my happiness.

I love you, so please love me enough to see that I'm suffering beneath my smiles. Notice how I never really laugh when I'm with you anymore? Notice the sheer brilliance of my smiles? Notice the unshed tears in my eyes? Notice the desperation in the things I do for you? If you love me at all, please just notice me. Really look at me and see everything that I'm hiding under my happy façade, turn away from the memory of her and really look at me. I'm here now, not her, so please just look at me.

I love you...

Never Enough

2011-07-25T00:02:00.002+08:00

No matter how hard I try,
I'll never be good enough,
I'll never be pretty,
I'll never be beautiful,
I'll never be funny,
Nor will I be attractive,
So why do I even bother trying,
Because we all know that it'll never be enough.

What I'd Give...

2011-05-11T00:49:00.004+08:00

What I'd give now,

For you to hold me close,

To hold me tightly against your chest,

As though you never want to let me go.

What I'd give now,

For you to look into my eyes,

Wipe away my tears,

And tell me that you love me.

What I'd give now,

For you to set aside your games,

To think of me once in a while,

And truly appreciate all that I've done for you.

What I want are truly very simple things,

Simple signs of affection,

Signs of love and care,

Signs of attention and devotion.

I don't want much,

But why is it that I can't have what I'm asking for?

Fuck you.

2011-04-17T22:51:00.003+08:00

I honestly don't see the point in fighting for someone who doesn't even appreciate what I do. Honestly, I damn well got into an argument with my father just so I could spend time with him but all he does when I go over is to stare at his damned PC. I already told him before that I had to go back earlier this time, and that my father will be more vigilant in making sure that I'm back early. HOWEVER, this fucking unappreciative asshole isn't doing anything to make me feel that my effort was worth it!

Fuck this, I'm sick and tired of being sidelined for a piece of machinery. How cool is that? I drive back 2 hours, argue with my father just to spend more time with him, and all I get is this scrap of attention. He has completely forgotten about his promise to me, and I'm honestly sick and tired of this shit. You promised that you wouldn't sideline me for that PC, but look at what you're doing now, you're nothing but a liar. You can't even keep such a simple promise, how can I even trust you at all?

I look at your best friend, and while I'm chatting with him online, he tells me that he's going to chat with his girlfriend instead. WHY CAN'T YOU DO THE SAME FOR ME?! Why do I always have to come last, why do I always have to be sidelined like this? What am I to you anyway? Do you think I'm always going to be here waiting for you? I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of pretending that I've all the time in the world, I'm tired of arguing with him for time that I will never get. Don't you get it?! I AM TIRED!!! And the best thing here is that you'll never even know what I said here today, because you don't even care enough to look beyond my masks.

Again?

2011-03-29T00:42:00.003+08:00

My world is crashing down around me again. Once more, I find myself losing another friend due to something I never knew I did, and also because once again, I allowed my mouth to move before my brain. I apologised again and again, but honestly speaking, I'm too drained to even want to think about this anymore. If you can find it in you to forgive me and give me another chance, then I'll thank you for that. But should you choose to alienate me, then I can only move on, I can only hope that somehow, he will not be caught in this. There will come a time when he will be forced to choose, and when that happens I will leave, because I'd rather not force him to choose at all, and also because I know that I will lose to you.

Enough about that, such a topic makes me feel worse than I already am. Anyway, I really am quite lost now. I realized that I've been living my life for others, up to the extent that I don't know what I want to do anymore. Hell, it's so bad that I don't even know what I want to do in my future, notably my studies, because I've been told over and over again that as the oldest I'm going to have to take over someday. Yadda yadda blah. Well, now I'm lost, I don't know if I can continue doing what I'm doing now, and the best part to this is that I've only a few more days to decide. Great!

Sigh, no point in blaming others for my own fault. If I wasn't so weak and so eager to please, then perhaps I wouldn't allow others to shape my personality and my thoughts. Even as I struggle to do what I want, I still wonder about people's impression of me. Meh, maybe this is what I am now. If that's the case, I might as well work on my faults, God knows I've plenty of them.

Come For Me

2011-03-26T02:11:00.002+08:00

The wind brings to me news of the land,
News from the north,
News from the south,
News from the east,
News from the west.

Enveloping me within its chilly arms,
Whispering in my ear tales of hidden times,
Pulling playfully on my hair,
It is my constant companion,
In the void your absence has created.

It is odd that something as uncontrollable,
As unpredictable and as free as the wind,
Would be more of a constant in my life,
As compared to you,
One who was supposed to be here.

No matter,
I don't want to wait anyway,
Why should I do so,
When so many others are waiting for me,
Even as I falter for a glimpse of you.

Sighing once more,
I turn my face to the wind,
Feeling it kiss my dry chapped lips,
But even as I walk away,
I wonder if you'll ever come for me.

Turbulence

2011-03-08T17:19:00.004+08:00

"Distance is not for the fearful,

It is for the Bold

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time,

In exchange for a little Time with the one they Love."

Got this quote from blog-hopping, and I've to admit it's true in so many ways, and as such I'm going to preserve it here. My emotions have been going on a wild tangent these days, where I find myself losing control of myself at times. I find it odd really, that something like this should happen to me, especially when I thought I had controlled myself well enough.

Being the Ice Queen was simple really, I didn't have to give a damn about anyone else besides myself, and I came and go as I wish, caring not for others. However, I find myself at loss for words as to explain my situation now. Sigh, this emotional roller coaster is tiring, I'm so tired of this turbulence in my emotions.

I want to talk to you, I want to hold your attention, I want your eyes on me, I want to fill your mind, and your heart to be mine. It's a little too much to ask for isn't it? But this is what I want, even if I can't always get it. You said that you're afraid of losing me, but honestly speaking, I wonder if you even mean what you said, let alone remember it.

Do you really mean what you say, when you say that you're afraid of losing me? Because I honestly don't see it happening, perhaps I'm too plain and unattractive that you're sure that other guys will not notice me, let alone try to steal me away, hence your complacence.

I don't know what to say to you, I don't know what to talk about with you, despite wanting to hold a conversation, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I envy them you know, how it's so easy for you to find something to talk about, but when it comes to me, it seems to me that you focus more on your games and whatever else that you're doing.

Perhaps I'm not interesting enough for you? Since there doesn't seem to be anything to talk about between us, and you don't even try to accommodate my whims to see you through the webcam, even though it's the most convenient means of doing so. I miss you, day in day out, the only constant in my emotions is that feeling of missing you.

I know we apparently text each other a lot, but it's not the same as seeing you smiling back at me. This feeling, this miserable feeling, is so acute and leaves a hollow ache in me, and I can only wonder if I affect you as much as you affect me.

You never hold my hand like you used to when you drive, your hands are always tightly locked on the steering wheel nowadays. I miss the times when you would reach out for me and hold on to me tightly, sometimes dropping a light kiss on my knuckles, bringing a smile to my face. Even when I place my hand on your thigh when you drive, you don't even hold it anymore. I miss the times when you would do it as soon as you're able, but you don't even do that now.

I long for the days when we first started, I long for the control I once used to have, I long for you to kiss away the tears that are streaming down my cheeks now as I write this, but most of all I long for you to hold me tight and tell me that you don't ever want to lose me.

Here I am, shivering despite the heat, crying as I pen my thoughts here, but I highly doubt that you'll even read this. When will I see you working as hard as I am now to keep this relationship? If I were to suddenly disappear from your life for the next few weeks, will you even notice my absence? Do you even know how much I care for you??!

Screw you, damn you, go to hell! I'm so sad, and yet I'm so angry! I'm angry at myself for being so affected by you, I'm angry at my own helplessness, I'm angry for being so emotionally needy, I'm angry at my own insecurity, I'm angry because I know that somehow no matter what I do, it isn't enough...

There was always a reason as to why I loved the colour of blood, but of course, no one really notices anything, because this is my own dirty little secret. Blood red, the colour of the lifeblood that flows in me, how beautiful it is, especially if it stains the white of the floor, drawing me in even more. It's delicious really, this thrill I get at times, this longing, and it wouldn't be long before I stop resisting this pull. Maybe, just maybe....

Oh, and I also found this article here, quite interesting really:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. A depressed person will experience or display some of the following:
Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or pessimism.
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Contemplating suicide of suicide attempt
Problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
Fatigue and loss of energy
Persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment
Irritability or restlessness
Insomnia, waking early, or excessive sleeping
Overeating, or appetite loss
Loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable (e.g., hobbies, sex, social activities, etc.)

Interesting isn't it? But I wonder if it's really obvious for everyone, and if can be easily diagnosed...

Would You Listen?

2011-02-24T02:06:00.003+08:00

Why is it that I find myself crying more and more these days?

Do you even know how much your words hurt me at times,

Even when you don't mean them to?

You may think that I'm being too sensitive,

But I really don't know what else to do.

I'm trying,

I really am,

But you just don't know how much you really affect me.

I'm so tired of crying,

I don't even know why I'm holding on anymore.

I'm under so much stress,

I can't eat,

I can't sleep,

I can only curl up and cry.

I just need you to hold me,

And to tell me that everything will be fine,

Like you used to,

But you don't even do that anymore.

Look at me,

And tell me who do you see,

Because all I see now,

Is a fading picture,

Of who I used to be.

I don't know how long I can hold on anymore,

I need a break,

I need reassurance.

I need someone to be strong for me once in a while,

So that I can take a break from being strong too.

I'm so tired,

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I can't keep this up any longer,

I'm breaking under the pressure,

I'm finally breaking after all these years.

This is truly laughable,

Who would have thought that I would be the first to break,

After all the times I've proven myself too strong to be broken.

I guess,

That in the end it was all a matter of time,

When my strength becomes a weakness,

And drives me into loneliness,

Where I'll finally begin to fall apart.

Please,

Make it stop,

Take my pain away,

Make me forget,

I just want to sleep.

I haven't truly slept in ages you know?

I need my rest too,

Someone please make it happen,

I can't stand this anymore.

Is there anyone out there,

Who'll hear my screams,

Who'll see my tears,

Who'll set me free,

From this cage that I've placed myself in?

But honestly,

Who on earth will do that anyway?

I'm suffering in silence now,

Putting on a mask everyday,

Pretending that everything is as fine as it should be,

Even when I'm not fine.

I'm suffering in silence now,

Because I can't tell anyone.

Who would listen anyway,

They'll never believe me,

Because I'm too strong to fall like.

No one would listen,

No matter how much I try to tell them,

No one would,

So I can only keep my pain to myself,

Even as it consumes me.

Can You See?

2011-02-23T23:46:00.004+08:00

Can you see me now,

The state at which I'm in,

Where despair and sadness cloaks me,

Where I can no longer pretend to smile?

I'm so tired,

So tired of putting up a front,

Pretending to be strong,

Even when I'm at my weakest.

I just need you to hold me,

To reassure me,

To tell me that everything is alright,

To make me feel safe.

But I can't tell you all of that,

Because I'm supposed to be strong,

I'm supposed to stand tall,

Even when I feel alone inside.

Listen closely for once,

Hear the emotions in my voice,

Find the hidden meanings in my words,

Look at me beyond my masks and facades.

Please, just this once,

I beg of you,

To see me for who I am,

Instead of who I show myself to be.

I'm not as strong as you think I am,

I cry like any other girls do,

I can feel lonely at times,

I have a heart and emotions too.

Just this once,

Look at me closely,

And tell me what you see,

Because I suspect you see only a lie.

Who Are You?

2011-02-22T01:28:00.002+08:00

You're honestly a pathetic mess,

Who the hell are you,

And what have you done to yourself,

To the point that you're so easily hurt?!

Screw all this,

It took years to build up those walls,

With the purpose of protecting yourself,

But it took only days to tear them down.

Look at yourself now,

Look at what you've become,

Look at those wasted tears,

Look at that cracked and wounded heart!

Where are your shields,

Where are your blades,

Where are your masks,

And where are your lines?

Who are you now?

What are you trying to do to yourself?

Stop this nonsense at once,

Before you destroy yourself.

Wake up from your dreams,

See all that is around you,

Take control of yourself once again,

And I'll be here waiting for you.

Promises

2011-02-21T00:10:00.004+08:00

Go on,

Make another promise again,

Convince me on how much you mean to keep it,

Because I don't believe that you can.

Empty,

All of them are empty,

You've made countless others,

But none you have kept.

I'm sick and tired of this disappointment,

That only you can bring me,

But even when I know how foolish I am,

I still hold on.

I still hold on to that hope,

That you will one day keep them,

I still hold on,

Because I want to believe.

So tell me,

Will you disappoint me again,

By making yet another empty promise,

Or will you finally man up and fulfill it?

I look forward to the day,

When I finally find my answer,

But a part of me shies back,

Because I'm afraid of what I shall find then.

Tonight

2011-02-19T00:49:00.003+08:00

I want to see the stars tonight,

But all I see are clouds,

I want to smile happily tonight,

But I can only frown.

The moon shines alone in the sky,

And I wonder if she feels as lonely,

As desolate,

As I feel right now.

You promised me,

But all you're doing,

Is proving me wrong,

And betraying my trust.

Don't make promises that you can't keep,

Don't give me what you don't have,

Don't raise my hopes up,

Only to dash it down into the ground.

Don't lead me on like this,

To believe,

To hope,

In something that will never happen.

Lies are merely lies,

And there's nothing that you can do,

That will turn them into the truth,

Because you can't.

Don't bring my hopes up anymore,

Because I don't want to be disappointed,

Don't tell me that you love me,

Because it rings hollowly in my ears.

What More Can I Do?

2011-02-08T15:40:00.005+08:00

I'm sick and tired of waiting,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

Without letting go of my pride,

And seeming weak in front of you.

I'm sick and tired of hurting,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

When you hurt me with your insensitivity,

Not knowing the effect you have on me.

I'm sick and tired of trying,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

To keep your eyes on me,

To prevent your heart from straying.

I'm sick and tired of crying,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

When there's nothing else I can say,

To make the pain go away.

Will you continue making me wait,

Or will you leave me here to pine for you?

Will you come back to me,

Or should I take my leave first?

Waiting is difficult,

Hurting is painful,

Trying is despairing,

And crying is pitiful.

But that is all that I can do,

Until you come back to me.

Daze

2011-02-04T01:51:00.003+08:00

Don't ever ignore me,

Because that will hurt me,

More than being angry at me ever will.

Don't lie to me,

Because that will hurt me,

More than telling me the truth ever will.

Don't betray me,

Because that will break me,

And make me cry.

A simple verse,

Another tear,

A silent sob.

I wonder if you know,

What goes on in my mind,

If you even cared to wonder.

Give it a rest,

You're hurting me,

Whether or not you know it.

Stop doing this to me,

Leave me alone,

For I can stand no more.

I write this in a stupor,

Take this as you wish,

Because I will not explain myself.

Let Me Sleep Tonight

2011-01-31T01:06:00.002+08:00

What is this?

You have got to be kidding me,

I made a list for a reason,

To act as chains of reason,

In case my heart decides to rebel against me.

But this is honestly pitiable,

Imagine me,

The Ice Queen,

Falling prey for such a trap,

Just what was I thinking?

Laugh all you want,

Because I really am laughable now,

So deeply tangled up in this web,

So badly lost in this maze,

That I wonder if I'll ever find my way again.

I am so tired,

I really am,

So why am I still holding on,

To the possibilities in you,

To the possibilities of the future?

Perhaps he was right,

Perhaps I'm the one putting too much effort,

Into something that may not even be true,

Something that may end up being just a distraction,

From his bored little world.

I am angry,

But at the same time,

Despair clouds my mind,

Overpowering even the force of my anger,

Leaving me in a state more desolate than before.

I am tired,

And I shall retire for the night,

But one has to wonder,

If my sleep tonight will be pleasant,

Or will tear tracks be prominent upon my cheeks.

Beautiful dreamer in the velvet skies,

Take me in your arms and sing to me,

Your lullaby of a perfect world,

Where nothing will go wrong,

Where nothing can go wrong.

Not Again

2011-01-21T21:20:00.004+08:00

I know not why,

But I find myself out of breath,

My heart achingly hollow,

And my despair once again overflowing.

Aren't I supposed to be happy,

To smile with the brightness,

Of a thousand suns?

Then why do I feel so heavy?

I don't understand what's going on,

I can't understand this,

Someone make me understand,

Please, I beg of you.

This can't be happening again,

I'm supposed to be long past this,

So why do my eyes burn,

With unshed tears?

This is frightening,

What is going on now?

Why is this happening again?

Can't you please answer me?!

Answer me damn it,

You know the answer to my questions,

So please,

Please answer me,

Lest I breakdown once again.

Heartache

2011-01-08T01:53:00.004+08:00

You say that you're fine with me,

Just the way I am,

But why do I see you,

Trying to change me,

To fit into your superficial mold?

I never thought that I'd be hurt,

Not like this,

Physical pain I can bear,

Mental pain I scoff at,

But heartache....

Heartache,

Was never what I expected,

I never knew,

I never thought,

And I've never felt this terrible.

It hurts,

It really does hurt,

But I feel numb,

A dull roar sounds in my ears,

A choked sob escapes my lips.

I am who I am,

I don't wear skirts or dresses,

I detest makeup,

I love my jeans,

And I dress for myself.

I thought that you were fine with that,

That you liked me as I was,

So pray tell,

Love,

Why do you do this to me?

Things were so much easier,

When there were no strings attached,

When my walls were up,

When the stage was set,

When I played my role.

I was a lone wolf,

I walked to the beat of my own drum,

I bowed to no one,

I accepted no one,

And I cared for no one.

Behind those walls,

Behind the masks,

On the stages,

In my role,

No one could hurt me.

You did this to me,

And now my heart vows vengeance,

An eye for an eye,

And a tooth for a tooth,

I will hurt you,

Just as much as you hurt me.

I swear this now,

On the tears that I unconsciously shed,

Listen to my song Love,

For I am furious.

What Do You See?

2010-12-24T01:09:00.002+08:00

Every time you look at me,

I can't help but think to myself,

What do you see,

What can you see?

Do you see a spoiled, pampered princess,

Do you see a proud, strong woman,

Do you see an gullible, easy prey,

Or do you see a lost, helpless child?

I can't read minds,

As much as I wish for it to be possible,

But I'm willing to bet,

That you see anything and everything,

But the last.

I am who I am,

And there's nothing in this world,

That can change that fact,

But what you see in me,

Is what you only want to see.

I am so tired of smiling,

I just want to let go,

To be who I want to be,

But I still hold on to my mask,

For I know that you'll only hurt me in the end.

I'm singing the same old song again,

But this is because,

It is the only song I know,

As there is no one here,

That has taught me a new one.

This melody I sing,

I sing from the very depths of my soul,

Every word that I sing,

Soft as they are,

They are all that I am.

Accept me,

Deny me,

But don't ever try,

To change the person that I am,

To make me something that I'm not.

Reality

2010-12-05T20:04:00.005+08:00

Spring to Autumn,
Summer to Winter,
Life to Death,
Warmth to Cold,
Passion to Indifference.

This is what that has become of my life,
Now that I am finally alone,
I am but a shell,
Going through the motions of life,
With the zest of one who is broken.

This is a nightmare over and over again,
For every time I think that I have found a replacement,
You have to come along,
Shattering the illusion that I've placed myself in,
Tearing apart my carefully constructed world.

Reality,
Why must you be so cruel?
Why can't you just allow me to stay as I am?
Why can't you just grant me this small respite,
From the pain that I'm going through as it is?

You are such a cruel friend to have,
But at the same time you're still the best teacher,
To teach me the lessons of life,
To teach me the characters of the world,
To teach me the pain of heartbreak.

One of these days,
I may just decide to repay the favour,
For what you once were,
I am now,
And I will not cease in reminding you of it.

What I am now,
You shall be,
And you shall regret ever making me suffer as such,
For once you remember the pain I'm going through now,
You will regret the purpose of your existence.

My Birthday Celebration

2010-11-27T22:53:00.002+08:00

Well, it's been awhile since I updated, but rest assured that this post will not be as emo as the previous ones. In fact, this post will very much be on a lighter note.

My father called me on Friday night out of the blue, asking if I had any plans on Saturday night. When I said that I didn't, he suggested that we go out for dinner as a family to celebrate my 18th birthday. In fact, he drove up all the way to KL along with my siblings in tow just to do so. ^^

Anyway, he called up his brother and family, while I called my aunt (my mother's sister) to arrange for dinner at the South Sea restaurant near the Subang airport. My mother did not come along, but my grandmother did. All in all, it was quite a happy affair, and everyone enjoyed the food, which by the way costs a bomb -- RM1118.40.

We had two different types of crabs, a whole lot of prawns, la la, 3 different types of noodles, vegetables, steamed buns, and a dish named 4 seasons, which is actually four different types of dishes combined into one, and a few other dishes that I can't really remember.

Anyway, my sister and I ended up squabbling over one thing or another, among the few being the amount of Famous Amos cookies I owe her. She actually tried to raise the bar to 1500g even though 1000g was the amount that we agreed on before she brought my things over.

On the night of a birthday celebration, one would commonly end the night with a personalised version of "Happy Birthday" and cake, but mine was different. Because there wasn't any time to get a cake, I didn't have to sit through a round of the Birthday song. XD

Overall, tonight was quite enjoyable, but I wish that she came along instead of clinging on to an old grudge. Oh well, you can't have it all. I got a lot of red packets too, so it makes me feel better. ^^

Fade

2010-09-28T19:31:00.004+08:00

Sigh, so much for new beginnings. Sure, I started off fine -- strong and pumped up, full of energy, but I find myself fading more and more into the woodwork as I progress. I'm often tired, and the friends I made are not enough to keep my spirits up, added with insomnia, my former energy level has dwindled to less than half that it was.

When did I become like this? Everything is a cycle once again, I'm no longer the ball of happiness and energy that I was, that went from one place to another without tiring, always leaving the impression of myself being happy go lucky and roaring to go on my next big adventure, with nothing having the ability to tie me down, to come and go as I wish.

So far, I've broken two friendships up on purpose in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, but at the painful cost of severing the bonds myself. It was a gradual process, purposeful misunderstanding, picking fights, being stupidly emotional over the completely wrong things, and finally, throwing a huge tantrum (well, as big as a tantrum as I can allow myself to throw) by being completely irrational towards them.

In the end, I got what I wanted. I managed to severe the bonds that held us together, I stopped myself from having my feelings tied too strongly towards them, but the price that I paid ended up to be more than I expected. It bloody hurt, damn it! I don't regret doing what I did though, because one of them is still an insensitive bastard, and as much as I miss the old times where they would escort me from one place to another, joking around, and just basically having a good time while enjoying each others' company, I guess this Ice Princess facade will continue to be my primary front for a long while. Despite everything, I have to admit that I don't really regret what I did, it was inevitable anyway.

However, I do wish that there was someone to banter and for the lack of a better word, squabble, with me over petty things just for the fun of it. It is one thing that I definitely thirst for, as not only is it amusing, but at the very least I can keep my mind sharp while having a little bit of fun. However, I definitely prefer doing this with a guy as I prefer challenging the opposite sex, something in me simply doesn't allow me to blatantly challenge a girl in that manner, and I think I'm upholding some weird twisted view of chivalry. Meh, doesn't matter. There's always people out there to argue with, and I look forward to meeting someone who enjoys doing it as much as I do. Although I can't help but wonder if what I really need is a boyfriend to bully, but that's a thought for another day.

On another note, Maths is positively killing me. I really don't get why the heck is it alluding me like this, up to the point where I find myself close to tears due to frustration. In fact, once I start wailing about it, my girl friends come running to comfort me, and to help me out, which is very much a good thing. I'm thankful for them too, because at the very least, I've someone to support me, and to hold me up when I'm down. Now that I think of it, it's probably the first time I've been in such a group, though I must say that I quite enjoy the feeling it gives me, and for the first time in a long while I'm not spinning my head off its axis to find the support that I need and can depend on.

Meh, my sleeping schedule is really off though, with me sleeping at odd irregular hours, up to the point where everyone says that I look tired even if I feel fine. My hair has lost its luster, my skin its glow, my spirit its fire, my smile has indefinitely lost its sincerity. Sigh, if I am going to be the kind of person with a limited range of emotions, the least my body could do was to support me by being the best that it can be. Meh, maybe I should go for a nose job, I do hate my nose.

All in all, I'm really tired of the way things are going, and the only reason as to why I'm posting this here is because I'm confident that none of those involved in my present life will ever ever read this. Murphy's Law had better not mess this up for me, or there'll be hell to pay.

Will You Watch Me Tonight?

2010-08-29T00:59:00.003+08:00

The moon shines bright tonight,

But the stars are no where to be seen,

A cold chill surrounds me,

As I sit silently,

Within my gold glided cage.

Like a doll,

I sing, smile and dance,

All to your bidding,

Never to be free,

Never to live as I wish.

I hate you for what you've done to me,

I hate you for making me feel like this,

But most of all,

I hate myself for believing in your lies,

Like the fool of a child that I was.

Dearest, Love, Darling,

Let my honeyed words cloud your mind,

As I wait for the perfect opportunity,

To finally be free,

Even as my hands are stained with your lifeblood.

On that very night,

The moon shall shine bright,

As brightly as the night I gave in to you,

But I can't help but wonder,

If the stars will be watching me then.

The World Has Never Been So Cold

2010-08-23T21:32:00.004+08:00

Loneliness seeps through every fiber of my being,
As I struggle to hold on tight to that single thread of hope,
Because I know that if I let go,
I will drown in misery.

I know not the reason for my melancholy,
But I do know that I need them with me,
But who I need more,
I know not.

Loneliness clenches its cold hand around my heart,
As I slowly suffocate under the pressure of my own fears,
I reach out to them,
Knowing that they will extend their hands to me.

Alas,
My voice cannot be heard,
My tears cannot be seen,
My touch cannot be felt.

Was my silent wish not apparent enough?
Perhaps they saw not my inner suffering,
Where each smile hid a tear,
Where each laugh hid a wail.

My heart wants to be seen,
My heart wants to be heard,
My heart wants to finally be acknowledged,
But my mind struggles to keep it all hidden.

I sink to my knees,
Where I try one last time,
To make my distress known,
To make myself heard.

I give up at last,
Because it's apparent,
That there is no one here,
Who will ever see me.

I let go at last,
And fade away into the background,
Walking along a fine line,
I wonder how long it will be,
Before I finally give up,
And fall into the abyss below.

Drowning in a sea of emotions

2010-08-02T03:40:00.003+08:00

Shock, shame, numbness, horror, realization....

Whoever thought that someone like me would feel these emotions all at the same time, and be so badly affected by it that my brain nearly shut down in defense.

What the hell have I been doing to myself? I don't even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? What am I doing? I seem to have lost my purpose, and for some reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror because I can't stand looking at the shadow of my former self.

I'm never usually this reckless, every move I make I calculate and execute with precision and timing, and I never do things that borderline dangerous for my reputation. I always play it safe, and I never take unnecessary risks, so why am I acting like this now?

Honor, pride, dignity, self-possession....

Where have these values that I hold so dear to my heart gone to? This time, perhaps the only person that I can blame is myself, and while I can still salvage the pieces, it will never be whole again.

Once again, I truly am a fool, and I wish...

I wish....

For a wish that will probably never be fulfilled, for as long as I continue to hold that part of me back, and for as long as I hold those fears too close to my heart.

Screams ripped through my throat,
As I struggle with chains heavy with guilt,
I tried and tried again,
But I couldn't move,
I couldn't see,
I couldn't make sense,
With the fog all around me;
Left to flounder on my own,
I wonder,
If anyone will ever hear my screams,
Will someone finally wipe away my tears,
And hold me as I cry,
Even as I try to make sense of the confusion within me?

University Life

2010-07-22T00:05:00.001+08:00

Well, it has certainly been a long time since I even touched this blog, quite a few of you might even accuse me of abandoning it. Well, never fear, because I'm back, and with quite a bit of news too! XD

I suppose that some of you here might have noticed the change in my writing style, or at least the tone and emotion of my post. It certainly is a lot lighter than my previous ones, don't you think?

I'm having quite a good time in Nottingham, and I certainly don't regret studying here, because I've met quite a few friends and while there's not a lot of eye-candy, there's some that I wouldn't mind looking at. Of course, non of the guys here have managed to capture my interest or my heart for that matter, so your Ice Princess is still in her indestructible palace.

On another note, I guess I've grown a lot more confident now, though I still retract into my shell at times, but all in all I'm a lot more outgoing, and I'm doing quite well in classes. It's so surprising that the lecturers here have clearer voices compared to secondary school even though the room is way bigger and there're many more students. I've no problem keeping up with the lectures at all even with my hearing problem, so I should be able to do well, though I still need to find the drive to actually start studying.

Ice Breaking Night was quite fun, and my team managed to get 3rd place overall. If you're on my Facebook list of friends, you might have noticed 2 pictures-- one of me bizarrely wrapped in toilet paper, and another of me in the bathroom. I didn't have to run through the fountain, thank God, but the toilet paper bride was the price I paid for it.

For those of you who know me to be a spoilt princess who can't do housework to save my life, I have to say that you're really wrong. Why? Because I'm hand washing all my clothes, I clean my own room, I sweep and mop my own floor too! Hmph! I deserve a medal for this! Lol, but even so, my hands are surprisingly still as soft and smooth as they were when I didn't do any housework, but that's probably because I've been using some rather expensive lotions after I do housework.

On another note, my skin condition doesn't seem to be improving. While my blackheads are slowly going away, I seem to have a weird outbreak of sorts. Nothing major, but it seems that pimples are coming out more often on my T-zone, but it's one at a time, so it's controllable.

I seemed to have lost some weight, which is good, and 2 of my guy friends have been trying to reassure me that my figure is fine, and that I didn't need to lose anymore. In fact, I received some rather positive feedback when I wore a sleeveless racer back t-shirt that my mother bought for Charlotte when she was 9, which makes the shirt 7 years old, but she has never it before, so did I, until today that is.

Still, I need to work on my thighs, since they're still rather flabby, but my skin colour is starting to turn white again, which will probably prompt Charlotte to call me a vampire, as usual. Even so, isn't that a good thing? After all, my previous skin colour was something many girls envied and wanted, but they never quite got to the same colour, especially when my skin practically glowed an reflect light in the sun.

I also tried to pick up tennis, but I don't seem to have an aptitude for the sport, especially when I accidentally hit my instructor with the tennis ball. Truth be told, I wasn't even aiming when I hit it, I was concentrating more on trying to hit it (I'm so so sorry, Tishaan! XD). I also forgot to bring my swimsuit with me, so I've not been able to try out the pool at all, even though I love swimming. I also sit 20 sets of sit ups yesterday while at the gym, which caused my stomach muscles to stage a royal riot this morning when I woke up.

What more, because Sandra was staying over, I practically rolled out of bed because I couldn't sit up at all. It was worse when I took an evening nap, because by then fatigue fully set it, which caused me to be unable to sit up or roll over at all! In the end, my bathroom mate, Jolene, had to pull me up and out of bed. *Pout* By the way, I slept at 4.30 a.m. because I was too busy having a major chatting session with Jolene and Sandra to notice the time. at the same time, I was also chatting with Edmen and Helmi, so one could say that I was multi-tasking.

Even with quite a few things going my way, there's one minor setback that I find particularly irritating now. I'm having problems with academic writing, and it's in English too. Well, I guess it's not too much of a surprise since my writing style has aways been towards creative writing. Then again, English is not my best subject for nothing, and I swear I will conquer it like I always do, quote Julius Caesar, "I came, I saw, I conquered", unquote.

All in all, I'm not really sure what else to say, since this is just about what I can remember from my days here.

M&R Manufacturing Sdn. Bhd. Annual Dinner

2010-02-12T23:39:00.004+08:00

Tonight was really something that I would not forget, not ever if I've become old and wrinkly. First of all, I was the MC for the dinner. Second, I actually wore a skirt after swearing it off. Third of all, my feet are aching so much that I don't think that I would be able to forget the sensation of it for as long as I live.

All in all, tonight's dinner was a total success. The beginning was a little choppy since we were just getting started, but as the lucky draw was going on, everyone's attention was diverted to the cookie tin we used, each hoping that they would be the ones getting lucky. When I was on the stage, the gap on it (the stage is actually made of several sections) widened so much that when I stepped backwards, my heel actually sank into the gap, nearly causing me to fall in front of the audience. Thankfully, I regained my balance, and managed to preserve my dignity.

I was quite happy to hear all the compliments I got, it boosted my self confidence a lot, and because of it I managed to go through the whole dinner without making a mistake (when I was on stage) and was quite successful in getting the crowd to interact with me.

I wore a black long sleeved turtleneck, a white vest and a dark brown skirt with a pair of gorgeous yet excruciatingly painful 3 and a 1/2 inch heels. The skirt and heels actually showed off my legs to its best advantage, while my upper body was really covered up. The fashion rule of choosing between your cleavage or legs was really put to good use here, and for that I'm really glad. I didn't use any makeup, which was a good thing since by walking back and forth the whole room, I caused my cheeks to turn red, which gave me a natural blush. My hair was styled in such a way that it was slightly wavy bu spiked outwards at the ends. Along with it being red in colour, it suited my pale skin really well.

I also drank quite a bit of beer, which I must add that it was really good beer, and didn't get drunk at all, unlike my father who drank uncontrollably till he became drunk. On the bright side, he didn't puke. Thank God for that, because if he did I would have throttled him.

The final lucky draw was definitely the best part of the night, since everyone was fixated on the numbers I was announcing. The ultimate grand prize went to a rather good looking guy some where near my age, whose girlfriend also won a hamper. Actually, the table was the recipient of quite a few prizes, lucky them.

As for my feet, I will never again wear stilettos if I'm going to walk for more than 4 hours straight! I barely ate anything because I was too busy running around making sure that everything was going smoothly, and when I did get to have a seat, I found myself picking up a few pieces of food here and there while waiting to begin the next program. Even so, I didn't regret a single thing, because for the first time in a while I actually felt that I was in power. I simply love the feeling it gives me, and I didn't have to sit around and make idle talk because I was too busy running the show.

On another note, I think that I might have a pervert on my tail. He's actually a Vietnamese who works in the production line, who was also the spur of the moment cameraman. He took quite a few pictures of me when I was on stage, and at the end of the dinner, he asked to take a picture with me. He actually held my waist in a vice-like grip and tried to hold my chin when we were posing for the camera, but I pushed his hand away before his friend pressed the button. I was already somewhat nervous when he grabbed my waist, but when he held my chin, I felt so creeped out that I nearly recoiled from him! Unfortunately, etiquette demands that I plaster a smile on my face and pretend that it didn't really affect me at all, so I had to bear with his grip until the picture was taken. After that, I immediately extricated myself from his grip. It was a good thing that he released me soon after, because if he didn't, he would have found himself to be the last of his line. Seriously, the only people I would allow to do that would be my cousins and close friends.

He was practically a stranger, I didn't know his name, neither do I remember what he looks like! I sincerely hope that he would not do anything to make me demand the immediate termination of his contract, because if he tries anything funny, I will make sure that he is sent back immediately. Luckily, I do not have much reason to go to the factory area, and even then I'm always surrounded by the other employees that I trust. I can only hope that my identity as the Managing Director's daughter will protect me from his unwanted advances, and that the other employees around me would come to my rescue if I should find myself in an unwanted situation.

On the bright side, I'll be leaving the company soon, probably during March, and his contract expires next year. With any luck, I would not be meeting him again any time soon.

Enough about him. There was also another rather good looking guy who was rather friendly, and we chatted for a while about wine, songs and some other things that I can't remember. If he was a corporate climber, I wouldn't mind entertaining the thought of making him fall in love with me. However, he was merely a factory worker, therefore such a thought was mercilessly crushed and smashed into smithereens before it could get any further. Besides, I would prefer someone who speaks really good English, because my Chinese is rather weak. Oh well, it wouldn't hurt to make him dream of me, since it does feed my ego.

All in all, I enjoyed myself, and was asked to be the MC again for next year's annual dinner, which I will definitely not miss.

Absence Does Indeed Make The Heart Fonder

2010-01-16T18:10:00.003+08:00

A new year, a new beginning. I didn't realise it, but I have been wanting one for a long time already.

In many ways, I'm really glad that the 'fight' happened when it did, it was necessary for me and for our friendship in a roundabout way. I don't know what it did for them, but I found that I actually treasured it more than anything else in my life, and that's saying a lot, since I'm a naturally selfish person.

After breaking off from the group, I had to reprioritize myself and find myself beneath all those facades and masks that I created to push everyone else away from myself. I had used them for too long until I longer remembered myself, instead going blindly with the flow with a show of false bravado and arrogance.

It took awhile, but I managed to find myself again, and while I might stumble and fall a few times along the road, I will never let it go. After that, I made a rather impulsive decision to cut my hair into a shoulder length style, not to mention dyed it a rather intense dark red colour. Those who remembered the last time I did that would probably remember the fuss I made, not to mention the complaints, grumbles and groans. Well, I actually like the change this time. I look better, and felt so free when it was finally done. In a way, the haircut was somewhat symbolic.

Seriously, when the holidays started, I practically turned into a workaholic who did OT almost every single day. My body ran on autopilot and I felt as though I was watching everything from another perspective. After awhile, I caved and decided to just go with my gut. Since then, I've not regretted anything at all, except for a nagging feeling that tells me that I should have coloured my hair dark purple instead of red.

I'm still hanging in limbo now because of the darn government. Seriously, is it that difficult to just sort all the trainees into their respective batches when they select us to go for NS training and announce the list a few months before it starts?! It would make things a hell lot easier for us since we don't have to scramble to get everything done just in time for it. Honestly, do they really think that we've all the time in the world to just sit down and wait for them to place us?! Most of us here are planning to further our educations damn it! You're wasting our precious time, and I don't like that, at all! I swear, if they place me in the third batch, I will skip NS entirely and go straight for college! I don't have time to wait around for it to come around, I no longer have the luxury of time anymore.

This post is rather random, and sounds like I'm merely saying whatever that comes into my mind, with no real arrangement or structure. Oh well, I couldn't care less.

I'm back!

2009-12-01T18:25:00.002+08:00

My my, what a lot of overbearingly depressing feelings I had in the last post. It's really surprising indeed, about the amount of emotional pain I went through because of a dying friendship. The pain, tears and grief weren't worth it, but I wonder what made me cling on to that last shred of hope before finally giving in and letting go.

Was it sheer stubborness and the fighting spirit in me who simply refuses to let go and admit defeat? Was it Pride who told me to hold on so as not to lose face? Was is the fear of being alone and miserable while everyone including her had a best friend or closest friend to lean on to? Was it Loyalty who made me feel that there was still something left between us that could be salvaged? Was it my memories of the times we had together that made me hold on? Was it the sheer desperation that made me lose my grip on my emotions as I struggled to repair it?

Whatever it was, I will never know. On the other hand, I might already know, whether or not I'll admit it to myself. Looking back on that, it might be the catalyst that made me do some soul searching. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this who I really am?

Am I a cold, unfeeling and nearly emotionless person? Am I a proud, self-assured and confident person? Am I a person who hides all her true thoughts behind a mask while deluding and deceiving people into thinking what they may think? Am I a happy-go-lucky, open and honest person? Am I a sad, lonely and insecure person? Am I a selfish, possessive and greedy person?

Who am I, I might never really know. The soul searching I did didn't yield much results at all, but I did realise that throughout this whole chapter, I was never really myself. What was I really like, how did I once act, who I really was, I don't remember anymore. In shaping myself into another person just for the sake of pleasing others, I lost a part of myself then and there. Were her opinions so important to me that I would forget myself in trying to be what she wanted me to be?

Perhaps they were, I could spend so much time changing myself, trying to fit in, but I could never completely fit into her world. No matter how much I want to be her most important friend, I will always be the last and the least. There'll always be someone else that she thinks off before me to tell her stories to, there'll always be someone else that she'll go to when she's sad, there'll always be someone else that she'll lean on, and that someone will never be me. She'll never come to me first unless I'm her last resort, it'll always be me going to her like a puppy after its master. She'll never look at me and think of me as anything else but a friend, and only a friend, not like the best friend I wish I could be to her.

I probably sound as though I'm in love with her, which is absolutely laughable in so many ways, but when I think about it, friendship can often be more important and stronger than love alone. I haven't forgotten the last time I chose friendship over love, and look where it landed me. I lost them both. Love because I chose to believe in lies, friendship because it was never true to begin with. I can cry, I can beg, I can scream and shout all I want, but I can never gain back what I had lost. I didn't think that I'd make the same mistake again, but perhaps it was inevitable.

I wish I could have someone there for me, someone that I could trust my secrets with, and trust that she would do the same for me. I wish that I could come in first, I wish that I could speak without fear of losing her friendship and loyalty, I wish that I could be my true self with her. I could wish for so many things, I could wish for a person like that to show up and be mine, someone I could call my bestest and closest friend, but I can only wish.

I thought that I might have found it in her, but I guess she never did find it in me. In many ways, I might have fooled myself with false words that she did. Such was my foolishness in the past, such was my desperation for understanding and belonging. Such was my unfulfilled and unending hope, and never again will it happen.

I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but I will never allow anyone to come close enough to hurt me so deeply like this again. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes, but I will never allow my death to happen again. I thought too highly of you before, and now you're nothing but a regret and a hollow ache in the depths of my freezing heart, and I'll never forget this lesson that I've learnt.

I'll open the doors to my cage and spread my wings, letting the winds guide me as I soar in the sky. I'll untie my blindfold and open my eyes, letting the light of the new day fill me with hope. I'll break off my bindings, and face my challenges head on. I'll turn my face to the wind, and embrace the feel of its presence against my skin. I'll start moving on again, and let the current of life take me to my next destination.

With that, I'll finally close the last chapter to this book of my life.

Can You See Me Now?

2009-08-13T22:10:00.006+08:00

I looked around me,
And I noticed something awfully off,
They each have their personal bonds,
And yet I'm always hovering,
Flitting from one group to another,
Never fitting in,
Never belonging.

I take another look around,
Before turning away from the crowd,
Looking for a place to call my own,
Looking for that special friend whom I have not found,
As I silently walk away from them.

Tears of despair, frustration and hurt leaked,
From the corners of my eyes in steady silent streams,
As I sat away from the others,
Trying my best not to look at their interactions,
Yet my eyes betray me,
As my heart cracks all the more at the sight of them.

Once in a while,
One of you will look up from your conversations,
To look for me,
Just to check if I'm there,
And yet you couldn't care less even if I'm not there.

Lost and wandering aimlessly,
I went to my secret world,
Drowning myself in a pool of words,
Just to escape the pain of my reality,
But deep inside,
I know that I'm just running away,
Even just for a short time.

I want to run away again,
Just as I did once before,
But the chains and shackles held me in place,
Harsh, cold, unyielding and unrelenting,
I can do nothing,
But sink to my knees and stare at nothing in particular,
Waiting for the last grain of sand to fall,
Before I take spread my wings,
And fly away again.

As each day passes by,
I see the same things over and over again,
I wish I could be numb to the pain,
But it doesn't stop me from hoping in silent desperation,
That I'll finally find that one person,
Who'll take my hand and accompany me along.

I am nothing but an empty shell,
Devoid of life,
Merely living a deception,
As I act out the role expected of me,
Day to day without fail.

I saw the same scene again today,
As I wore my mask,
And put on another show,
For the entire world to see.

Am I really that good of an actress?
Or did I get away with this just because you didn't care enough to look carefully?
I might never know the answer to this question,
But I wonder if I were to take away your secret dream,
Will you finally look at me?

Maybe there'll come a day,
When I can finally remove my mask,
And take a bow to the applause of my spectators,
But until then,
I will continue to act out my role,
As I wait for the curtain to finally close.

National Service news!

2009-07-03T19:08:00.003+08:00

I'm not quite sure on what I should be feeling right now about being chosen for NS. I know that I don't mind going, in fact I can safely say that I'm curious and am somewhat looking forward to it. However, anyone who knows me and my situation will know about my insecurities, not to mention the fact that I've to learn how to shower within 15 minutes, which I probably fail at every time I need to wash my hair.

I love water related activities, but the only drawback is that I've to take off my hearing aids as the risk of getting wet is rather high, so I'll have to get a partner who can understand my condition and is willing to be my messenger if I do want to go kayaking. God forbid that I get my (RM 3500-RM 4000 each) hearings aids damaged all because I had to wear them since I didn't want to miss anything and didn't have anyone to be my ears.

On another note, I screamed and screamed for 10-15 seconds when Adeline called to relay the news that I got in. In fact, she was in her mom's car on the way to tuition with her siblings in it, so they heard me loud and clear. She was also wearing her earphones, so when I started screaming like a banshee out of hell, she ripped of her earphones and threw them down.

Perhaps I should have screamed louder? Anyway, I also said somethings along the lines of "Why God, why?!" and "I can see my life flashing before my eyes". Dramatic isn't it? Unfortunately, drama doesn't help in this situation, so it didn't really help.

I also sent another message to enquire about my camp, sad to say I haven't gotten a reply yet. I wonder when I'll get it.

Eugene though, was throwing a tantrum, and I was having a rather good time shooting him down too. A couple of my friends also got in, namely Cheau Yee and Ching Weng, and a few others that I'm not particularly close to. Hey, their names both begin with 'C', well at least after their surnames, I never really did notice.

On another note, I was almost left alone for Literature today, if it wasn't for JC, who offered to keep me company. Thank God for him, I was almost afraid that I would be sitting alone in a row of four tables, it's rather unpleasant. He was an interesting conversationalist, to say the least, and he actually offered to help me enquire about a place in the Add Maths tuition that I was meaning to call up but never got around to doing it.

Adeline will probably sigh and shake her head, before telling me that I better hurry up and call the teacher, because he has already finished Tringonometry or something like that, or was it Redox for Chemistry? Either way, I put it away and promise myself to remember to call, but will end up procrastinating again. Thank God for JC this time, I owe him one, or two, perhaps.

On another note, I'm the first in my mother's and father's side of the family to get into NS, I don't suppose I'll get a farewell party before going there so that I can drink myself drunk? I'll definitely make a beeline for the Baileys, Red Wine and White Wine, though I'll run from Vodka, I could never stand the taste of it, or maybe I should try it again. Who knows, my preference might have changed.

Now, how on earth do I finish bathing in 15 minutes when I'm shampooing my hair?! It doesn't take me long to shampoo and condition my hair, but it's the conditioning part that causes me to take a long time as it's not easy to fully wash it out unless I've a strong water pressure and the water has a large coverage area, if you get what I mean.

Should I get the shampoo that my sis used to use instead? It's shampoo and conditioner combined, and the effects are not bad too, though I still prefer using shampoo and conditioner seperately. Or should I try the unopened bottle of shampoo and conditioner combined that's in my dad's bathroom? It seems like a nice brand, has anyone heard of a brand called Epoch?

I really don't like cutting short my bathroom time, it's like a time for me to just relax and unwind after a long day, and the sound of water is somehow really soothing to me. Don't be surprised if I end up falling asleep in the bathroom, because I'm prone to doing so.

Somehow, I feel so much calmer and serene these last few days, must be the weather. It's been so cool, and even when I was hot I actually managed to keep my cool, so I doubt that it's the weather. Hm, I wonder how it happened, but I hope it lasts.

I have absolutely no idea what to wear to my school's Interact Club's Installation. Should I wear my black long-sleeved turtleneck, white pants and white vest? Or should I wear a beige pants instead? Or should I change the top to a button-up 3/4 sleeves blue shirt with a black sleeveless V-neck with the white or beige pants? I'm really not sure, a little help anyone?! Don't tell me to wear a dress, I've a waist the size of a tree trunk and will look awful in one!

Adeline, help me!!!!!!!! T.T

Ice skating rocks!

2009-06-09T14:04:00.003+08:00

I just went ice skating two days back, on Sunday, and I muist say I certainly had a lot of fun. While it was somewhat cold and I got blisters on my feet, I enjoyed the cool, crisp wind in my face, as well as the rush of adrenaline coursing through my body.

Not only that, I managed to stay on my feet the whole time I was in the rink. There were many opportunities for me to fall, but it was thanks to sheer luck and balance that I managed to stay on my feet and prevent a potentially embarrassing fall.

Let's see, a guy was speeding and more or less body-slammed me, which hurt, damn it! When he tried to skate away without apologising or anything, I shouted 'Excuse me??!!!' after him, which prompted him to apologize, that still didn't stop me from shooting him a dirty look.

Next, another guy was weaving in between the crowds like I was doing, and he bumped into my left side before swerving into my right, which I might add I also did the same thing, so he ended up grabbing my shoulders before letting go so that I can move away from him and wouldn't end up skating in his half-embrace, which I might add was rather warm.

Thirdly, a pair of girls who didn't even know how to balance on the ice, let alone skate, and were wearing thin and short clothing, which I might add were the worst choices since they would be falling a lot, were doing the 'London Bridge' in front of me and I was speeding myself. They were already wobbly, and there was no doubt that they wouldn't be able to avoid me, and that I wouldn't be able to swerve out of the way in time because there was no space beside them, and at the speed I was going, even if I did try to brake, inertia and momentum would send me crashing either onto the cold hard ice or the rink wall. So I made a split second decision and sped up, skating under their connected arms least they fall and drag me down since their hands were still joined. I must say though, it was really really fun, and the adrenaline rush nearly made me breathless.

At the end of the day, I ended up wondering, am I an idiot?!! Just what in the world possessed me to agree to my mom's suggestion of borrowing her wedges?! They were at least one and a hald inches high and had straps that closed around your feet like a glove, it was agonising trying to walked in them in a dignified way, which I managed until the pain forced me to start limping while I was shopping. Come on, I'm not a newbie skater, and I certainly know how tiringly painful it is to have my feet enclosed in tight skates for 5 hours straight, so why in the world did I not bring my confortable and certainly not-pinchy slippers?!

At the very least, I managed to find a new pair of beach shorts at Oreef, they're really comfortable too. So I managed to fill most of my shopping quota, except that I need a new pair of sandals since my dear sister stepped on my sandal and caused the base to break. In fact, the straps cut into my feet and was seriously uncomfortable! Sigh, I want a new pair of sandals that suits me best, but its so hard to find one that I actually like, and that's cheap.

Just what is wrong with me?!!!

2009-06-06T22:28:00.002+08:00

Today actually started off nicely, I went for a movie with a friend of mine and my sis, and went shopping after that.

That's not really the point though. I walked around with my sis for over an hour and yet I only found 2 t-shirts that I actually liked, to make things worse, I was accompanied by the Queen of Grouchiness, a.k.a my sister, who was so disagreeable that shopping became more of a chore than anything else.

She even stepped on my sandal, which cause the strap to nearly come off, which means that I have to buy a new pair, and I couldn't even find one that I really liked! The straps cut into my feet and caused my feet to ache like crazy! I should have just borrowed my mom's wedges when she told me to try them, at least even if they're one and a half inches high, they're really comfortable and my feet wouldn't be screaming in agony!

In fact, I also bought a new hairclip since my old one was breaking into pieces, literally. But somehow, I have no idea what the hell happened to me that caused me to lose it! God freaking damn it!!! It costed me RM6.90, and I suspect that I left it at the cash register as I was putting the change in my wallet. The stupid cashier didn't even bother to chase after me to return it, in fact, it was only until I was in my mom's car on the way home did I realise that I didn't have it with me!

Just what the hell is wrong with me?! It's not like me to be so careless, it seems as though my mind isn't as alert as it was before. I hate this, it's nothing but a pain in the butt! Note to self, never ever go shopping with my sis again, unless I want to exit the mall in a horrible mood and nothing to show for my patience.

Gah!!!!

2009-06-03T19:58:00.003+08:00

Oh for the love of God!!! I am severely !@#$%^&-ly out of shape!!! This is so depressing, I can't believe that I let myself fall that far!!!!

I had a great day, since I went to Adeline's house and finished my project work. Spending time with my friends was a plus point too, though we didn't get to play much since we had to go home early. Anyway, we were playing DDR and my movements got sluggish so quickly, and I actually sweated bullets while on the first game!!!

Gah!!! This is so not fun, I hate being out of shape!!! *Pout*, sigh. I guess I should probably hit the treadmill sometime soon, but it's not fun doing alone!!! T.T I suck, so much for an hourglass shape, I'm becoming more and more like a big fat sausage!!! I feel miserable, this is no fun!!!

*Shriiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* That didn't help at all, *pout*.

Oh dear

2009-06-01T18:16:00.003+08:00

I am currently somewhat grossed out. My female Golden Retriever just ate a bird, alive. I have no idea how the dog managed to catch the bird, but at the very least there wasn't any part of it left, so it saves my sister and I from having to clean up. On another note, there was no blood, so there's no mess too. Yes, she ate the whole bird, feathers, claws, beak, and bones.

Oh, and it seems that there're a few bird nests in our roof, and she is currently on the hunt for more baby birds. Yes, my female dog ate a baby bird alive, and whole. Boohoo...

Yay! Boohoo... Sigh...

2009-06-01T17:05:00.002+08:00

I just bought a new comic today! I've been going to the same shop multiple times to find it and I have finally found it today, so you can't imagine how pleased I am about getting it. The comic is the second-last installment to the whole series, which means that I have to wait for at least 4 more months to get the last book.

Either way, the art has improved, somewhat, but I'm not too pleased about the fact that I have to wait again. I'm really bored today, as usual. I've more or less almost mastered a song, which is good of course, but I still have a long way to go if I want to fully memorise the whole score, which I might add that I've already done at least half.

I can't wait to go back to KL, I kinda miss my mom, it's been a while since I've visited her. Then again I also want to borrow my cousin's piano and hog it to myself, go shopping, go to the gym, go swimming, go ice skating and play mahjong, and since I'm going to be there for the whole week, I plan to make use of my time there wisely.

On another note, I'm also going on a somewhat date with an ex-boyfriend of mine, my sister and one of my friends. Well, I'm not quite sure if my friend can make it though, I just hope that she can, I really miss spending time with her. I'm not sure if we can even be called close friends, since we hardly talk to each other, but at least we're still friends. If I'm not wrong, she was one of the first friends I made when I was in Form 1, and I do trust her a lot.

As for my ex, I guess that he can also be considered my friend, though I sort of turn him into my servant since he's too nice to protest. ^^ In case any of you here are wondering, no, I did not fall in love with him, I was not even close to loving him, and I certainly did not make the first move. We're still friends though, and he is infuriatingly polite and gentlemanly, a qualities which are rather hard to find nowadays, sadly.

Either way, I'm just rambling here. There's nothing much to say actually, I'm just really really really bored!!!!!!!!!!! Adeline!!!!!!! I'm bored!!!!!!! I bet that if I had a dollar for every time I complain to you about being bored I'll be filthy rich by now.

A Rather Fun Morning

2009-05-30T20:46:00.003+08:00

Today was quite a fun day, despite having to go to school. We walked all the way to Tanjung today just for breakfast, but despite that it was still relaxing and I got to spend time with my closest friends. We also wanted to do our Add Maths project while we were there, but sadly, there was only one circular object that we could find.

Either way, we had some fried er... I'm not quite sure what's the term for it, shared a bowl of ABC between the 3 of us and ordered an apple juice respectively, which I might add was rather watery. We actually ordered another rojak, but were too full, and thank God that the stall owner had either accidentally or purposely forgotten our order. Now that I think of it, since we're such gluttons, how much space will we have in our stomachs when at the 'Glutton Street'?

Today was also surprising in a sense that only 3 of us from our class went to school for Biology tuition, yes I'm serious, 3 out of a class of 28. On the bright side, we learnt more than we ever would from the teacher with the whole class present since we had 1-on-3 time with the teacher.

By the way, is it really a long distance from our school to Tanjung? It was breezy, cool and just nice for a walk, add the fact that I was with my friends, so it was definitely enjoyable. This is just a very bland blog entry that I'm typing for the sake of typing, and I'm bored!!!!!!!!

Examination Relief!

2009-05-29T19:25:00.004+08:00

Exams are finally over, well at least the mid-term ones. Unfortunately, there's a rumour going around that there might be a 'pop-exam' coming around July, oh bloody friggin' joy! Exams are nothing but a pain in the butt and neck, literally, from sitting too long and bending your head over the damned book!

Either way, I am not really happy about how things turned out today. I suppose that there was a better way to handle things, but sometimes it gets too much. Doesn't matter anymore, I've the whole two weeks of holiday to have fun and simply unwind, not to mention the fact that I'm going to be spending some time with my close friends. Yes, I do have friends, even if I don't have a lot.

I'm contented with the friends I have, and at the very least, all my friends are dependable and I can trust them not to betray me, unlike some mistakes I've made in the past. I would rather have a few but close friends who will not betray me rather than have a pack of back-stabbing bitches and bastards who claim to be my 'friends'. If I do have this problem, then a purge is the easiest way to deal with this. I've done it before, and I'm not afraid to do it again.

Hmm, my itinerary should include going ice-skating, playing a few rounds of mah-jong, mastering a piano piece or two, sleeping, going to the gym, go swimming, playing badminton, and basically, having fun. I'm still internally debating on whether or not I should go for HSM's talent time, I don't particularly feel inclined to go, and the only reason as to why I'm considering this is because Adeline wants to go. Anyway, at the rate things are going, I doubt that I'll be going.

I'm feel terrible lately, I'm not sleeping peacefully, and I almost always end up waking up feeling disorientated and empty. I never feel like that when I wake up, I almost always wake up alert and ready to go, so this is a rather unpleasant experience. Not to mention that my back feels rather sore when I curl up on my side, and my shoulders feel stiff and simply uncomfortable.

Perhaps it was just the exam blues, it had better be. Since the exams are over, I should be going back to normal now. I'm really bored though, there's nothing to realy entertain me here, and I'm bored!!!! This sucks!!! Adeline, I'm bored!!!!!!!! Can't I go to your house for some DDR soon?!! My disk is still with you, and I miss it!

Wrong

2009-04-26T15:47:00.003+08:00

Something is going wrong in my life right now, it's being thrown off kilter. I"m not sure why, but I've been getting strange vibes, been acting strangely myself, and am suffering from disturbingly dreamless sleeps.

One thing for sure, friendship is over-rated right now. I'm highly suspicious on who to trust and who not to trust, and I can't trust my instincts because I'm not being myself. Once I review over things, I realise that some of the bonds I treasure aren't really solid at all. They're just there to help me get through the year, and after that it'll disintegrate to nothingness. It also came upon me that those bonds that I have, well they seem superficial.

While it seems that there's nothing wrong on the outside, my emotions are really on an odd swing. I've been getting mood swings, snapping at Adeline, well it's partly her fault and I couldn't care less but still it feels odd for some reason as I don't do it without a good reason. It's as though someone has taken over me, my soul and my mind.

Not to mention the fact that another friend has just told me about her suspicions about another friend and I'm not sure what to think. Adeline, if you're going to tell me not to think too much I'll grab a pie and drop it on your face when you're asleep.

Firstly, I'm being mean, deliberately. While I am like that at times, it strikes me as odd. I can't pinpoint it, but it's just odd. Unfortunately, Adeline has been bearing the brunt of my frustrations. I have no idea how to interact with her anymore, and I certainly do not want to come across as a fool. Well I'll let her decide for me on what to do, and then I'll take it from there if I like it.

Either way, I wish that I could read minds, it'll help in so many ways. I seem to be dishing out a hell lot of apologies ever since I met that idiot, and I do not like it!

Screw Cooking!!!

2009-04-25T21:35:00.002+08:00

I swear that some God out there was playing with me when I was in the kitchen preparing dinner (spaghetti) for my siblings and myself as dinner, maybe even a poltergeist.

I had prepared everything to get started and when I tried to open the pasta jar it slipped out of my hand and crashed into the stone kitchen counter. It was made of glass and was full damn it!!! What a waste, and what a pain in the butt!!!

The sauce and glass splattered all over the place! The kitchen counter, the floor, the sink, the stove, you name it! It even splattered over me! I got a few cuts from the glass shards but thankfully none were deep, though they were bleeding slightly and I got blood on my shirt as well without realising it. I ended up wailing for help from my sister and we managed to clean up the mess.

Then I started cooking at last. Of all the things to happen, I had to get scalded. While the damage was minimal since it centered mostly on my fingers, the water was boiling when it splashed on me! Sigh, so I went to rinse my hand with cold water.

To my dismay, there was no cold water in the kitchen tap from some reason I do not know. I couldn't go to the bathroom because I had to watch the stove, so I ended up rinsing my hand with warm to hot water. Damn the cuts stung, so did the scalds. I have 2 cuts on my left and right wrists respectively, as well as a hole made by a stupid shard of glass on my right palm. My left middle finger was scalded and so was my right palm. In conclusion, this was not my day.

Sigh, to add to my irritation I had to wash up after cooking because we didn't have a maid. Soap is painful once it comes into contact with wounds, remind me to keep that in mind when I wash up because I forgot about it. Another piece of annoyance was that a boy younger than me by a year had the gall to insult me. He actually said, "You actually know what a kitchen is? Are you safe? Don't attempt to cook again or the headlines will say "Kitchen kills Girl". I hope that you'll find a chef as a husband.". How rude, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind, at least he apologised.

Despite how I act, I actually know how to cook! Well, given my past it's not a surprise. Is it that hard to believe that I can actually cook a decent meal? Or should I specially cook a meal and 'accidentally' add poison into it before serving it? I've done it enough to actually what goes and what doesn't, so don't ever dare insult me like that!

Anyway, at the end of the day I had a friend who insulted me, another who took charge and told me what to do with my wounds, a friend who didn't seem to really care, and a friend who cared but on a lesser scale. Frankly, I could really do with a good cold bath or a dip in the pool.

I'm back

2009-04-19T19:40:00.004+08:00

Sigh, I'm really reluctant to come back to Muar after spending such a fun and relaxing time in KL with my mother and my favorite extended family. I spent Friday and most of my Saturday with my mother, and had a relaxing day with her. On the later part of Saturday and half on Sunday I spent it with my favourite relatives.

It was really a fun day, I learnt how to play Mahjong at long last. It was quite fun since I managed to win twice in a row at first before losing to my aunt. Then I won 4 games in a row, to my sister and aunt's chagrin. Lol, winning is fun, but having fun is a better thing.

Guilt and Smugness

2009-04-19T01:03:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling way odd now. I just broke the news about my brother's actions to my father in front of my cousins and my cousin's girlfriend. He didn't take it really well, and my stupid sister tried to make things worse by adding in an old incident.

He looked really... I can't explain... when I told him that my mother told me to tell him that it was called Domestic Violence. All I know that he must feel terrible that I would tell my mother but not him. Sigh, my stupid sis just had to rub salt in his wounds by adding that he was never around anyway.

This is troublesome, I feel guilty for making my father feel that way, though it was long overdue, but I also feel smug that my stupid brother is finally going to face the music for his actions.

On another note, my cousin's girlfriend helped me to massage the bruise on my left arm using a somewhat smelly herb mixture for bruises. It hurt a little at first, but I got used to it soon enough. It doens't look too bad, though it feels like there's a straining sensation in my muscle. At least it'll go away soon because it's starting to interfere with my daily activities. Imagine having to take extra care of you dominant arm because you injured it, sometimes you'll actually forget that you have an injury there and regret it later when you do something to aggravate it.

Sigh, I totally missed my other cousin's daughter's full moon party. My mother took a long time in getting ready, causing us to leave her condominium around 20-30 minutes late, and then we took 30 minutes to reach my grandmother's house. I'm not sure how long we took for dinner, but all I remember about it was that it was too salty and too sweet. After we sent my grandmother home, my mother got lost on the way to my cousin's condominium and had to call up for directions. All in all, instead of arriving at the party, I arrived after the party. Sigh, it's a little disappointing though, having to miss it because I was looking forward to it.

My mother on the other hand, was late for her ballroom dancing session by at least 45 minutes. I think it's safe to say that she's bad with time as well as with directions. I'm thinking of investing in a GPS system for her birthday/Christmas present, it'll definitely come in handy.

On another note, my hearing dropped again. It seems that if it drops any lower, I'll have to change my hearing aid to a bigger version, and I"m not happy about it because it's quite close to dropping over the required boundary for the current one I have now. I'm really worried about this, because the cells in my ear cannot regenerate, and if they can't regenerate then my hearing loss is permanent until a genius scientist has found a way to regenerate the dead cells in the human ear.

This sucks!

2009-04-17T22:49:00.002+08:00

Getting beaten up with no chance to defend yourself is no fun at all. I just did a through check up of my injuries and found out that there was more. I probably sprained a muscle or two in my neck from trying to get away from the bastard and managed to bruise my thighs as well, oh joy.

I'm not too sure if I sprained my neck muscles but all I know is that there's a painful bump where the muscles are. I haven't even told my father yet about this, not sure if I should. What more, tomorrow I'm going to be wearing a shirt that will not have long enough sleeves to cover my bruise on my left arm, what am I going to say when someone asks about it?

Should I lie to save myself and indirectly, the bastard, from capital punishment; or should I tell the truth and see where things go from there? I'm still not sure, but my mother is forcing me to tell the truth, else she would do it herself.

On another note, I'm happy to conclude that I'm not in love with anyone, or have a crush on anyone, mainly 'someone'. I find it interesting to twist and play with emotions and see where it'll lead, and I've also managed to drag a couple of others into the game. Unfortunately, this game is getting boring, so I've got to find another game to amuse myself with least I cause some damage.

It's funny how I can delude myself and others as well into thinking that I'm 'in love' or have a 'crush' on someone, then again illusions are rather easy to conjure as long as you act well enough. I can't say that I got anything out of it though, which makes it even more boring. Sigh, leading a rigmarole is boring! Then again it lets me see things from a different perspective, so it's a neutral settlement.

I'm in KL now, and tomorrow I'll be going to my hearing aid provider to do a few tests to determine if my hearing has worsen, which I suspect it has. I really don't want my hearing to worsen, it's one of my biggest fears. I can't imagine having to go through life wearing a hearing aid everyday and still missing out on some words because I can't catch them.

Chocolate!

2009-04-16T18:50:00.009+08:00

Chocolate is sweet,

Chocolate is great,

Chocolate makes my world go round,

Yay chocolate!!!

I love chocolate! Love it! Belgian chocolate is nice, especially when it's all mine! I just shared a whole box of chocolate with hazelnuts with my sis and I loved it! It's so smooth, rich and simply just melts in your mouth. Sigh, it's so heavenly! It's a perfect blend of milk and dark chocolate and definitely the perfect pick me up after a bad day too!

I'm definitely giving it a 100/10!!! Actually, I seem to have an afinity for chocolates made in Germany, don't know why, but I seriously hope that my father will go to the airport again and bring back a whole stack of it just for me!

I just called Adeline a few minutes ago, and it seems that she's in the operating theater. I just hope that she's alright. Despite how displeased I am with her, I would never wish for ill to come upon her. I wonder how long she has to stay in the hospital for, hopefully it won't take too long, because her KK Moral is way overdue already. Worse come to worse I'll pass it up for her myself if needed be.

I can't take it anymore!

2009-04-16T14:57:00.003+08:00

God damn it! I really hate him! How could he do this to me?! He actually attacked me even though all that I did was to throw insults that were true!

He slapped me, and when I tried to defend myself with words he attacked me. He fucking attacked me! He grabbed me from behind and started punching my head multiple times, then he pulled my hair repeatedly as well before trying to slam me into the wall head first. When I managed to push him off and onto a couch on his back, he kicked me in the stomach multiple times before trying to punch my head again.

As for my resulting injuries, he left a bruise right beside my left eye, and damn it hurts when I prodded it. My tears are flowing like a river for reasons I can't comprehend, my nose is blocked and I can barely breath properly. My right middle finger is tender at the nail part, I probably got it in trying to defend myself.

My uniform sleeve is ripped, and the material is quite strong in actuality, so the fact that my sleeve actually ripped says quite a lot on what he could have done to me. That's not all, when he pulled at my sleeve, I was pulling at the opposite direction, trying to yank my arm out of his grip. Guess what? That actually caused the sleeve to bunch up at one area and bruise my arm. The bruise is on the underside of my upper arm and is going diagonally upwards, it also measures around 1-1.5 cm in width and around 7-8 cm in length.

I'm pissed off at him, pissed off at myself, and pissed off at my parents. Him because he wants me to respect him when he doesn't respect me, for attacking me even when he knows that my words were true. Myself for being unable to defend myself and for being unable to control my emotions. My parents for producing him in the first place and more specifically my father for taking his side even when he doesn't know just what is going on in his house.

This actually started with my 'dear' (Note the italics and aprostophy) father telling me off in front of that bastard about not respecting the bastard. His exact words were "I will not respect you if you don't learn to respect others. Just who do you think you are ... blah blah and blah." The bastard had the gall to throw the words back in my face and insult me by calling me a bitch the whole evening long. What do you expect me to do? Turn a blind eye to those insults? No bloody way. Of course I retaliated, but nothing much happened besides insults yesterday.

Today on the other hand, his one track mind decided, "Oh, lets take a field trip and show the house how strong we are by beating Charmaine up to teach her a lesson on how to respect those stronger than you!" Bull shit! The only thing that it proved was that he only knows how to 'solve' problems with his fist, and not with his mind. Now that I think of it, he punches like a kitten. Granted that I have a higher pain treshold than average, but I would still have felt the sting of a real punch. I felt more pressure than pain, which says something.

So if I'm not crying because of the pain, then why am I crying? Why am I screaming myself hoarse in order to just release something stuck in me?

Granted, I had a somewhat bad day since I had no choice to hand in my project work without completing it because Adeline once again failed to pass me the last items I need to complete it. God knows what's going on in that girl's head to keep making her forget that she has a duty to her friends after promising to do something for them. So far, she has broken quite a few of them. While I can't remember all of it, all I know is that I'm really disappointed in her.

Every time I decide to trust her, she turns around and throws it back in my face after carrying it around. Granted that it doesn't happen frequently, but the times she chose to do so really carried out serious consequences. Only God knows why I still continued to trust her after all those times, though I suspect that I'm already taking measures to ensure that this will never happen again. While I don't hate her and will try to be there when she needs me to, right now she has to re-earn my trust again.

Anyway, back to the subject. I called another friend of mine a few times but he didn't answer my call. Then I sent an sms practically begging him to please just answer his phone because I needed to speak to him, at that point I was going hysterical. Oh joy, hysterics are what I hate most, and yet there was nothing to stop me from going into it. When he called me back after finding his phone under the drawer (he places his phone on silent mode all the time, that idiot), the only thing holding me back broke and I went straight to hysterics. While I did try to control myself, it was dismaying enough that I would sink so low as to need comfort from another.

I really did annoy him, but what could I do? All my other friends were preoccupied, and I couldn't trust anyone else. Either way, I really can't keep depending on him anymore. I'm really tired of depending on him for help emotionally, so I guess that it's time to wear another mask. I'm sure that it'll be easy enough for me, but facades are terribly hard to pull of once you've placed them to rest. The stupid idiot broke it, and for that he'll pay. I guess annoying him is good enough for payback, but play time is over, and I will not make the same mistake twice.

Drama: My Pride and Joy, and yet also one of my biggest Disappointments

2009-04-10T20:54:00.001+08:00

It's a little overdue for me to be writing about something that has passed around 8 days ago, though I feel that if I write this down, maybe I'll be able to sleep peacefully at night without getting nightmares.

The drama competition had passed so quickly, and the fact that I lost in something that I placed so much of myself in really made my world spin off kilter. When I heard the results, the first thing in my mind was silence. I couldn't think of anything, I felt so numb and cold, and the only thing I could do was to pull a semblance of a facade together and remind myself and Adeline to clap for those who won as a show of good sportsmanship.

After that, I still had to hold on to it so that I could get my affairs into order. First was my team, and second were the well-wishers from the other schools. Two of my girls ended up crying and part of me was thankful, because it gave me something other than my splintering emotions to concentrate on.

I actually had to summon nearly all that was left of my strength just to plaster on a fake smile on my face, which was something I did regularly and effortlessly on regular days, when a few of our competitors from HSM came up to Adeline and I to congratulate us. They were trying to reassure us with words that we actually did deserve to win, and that our act was the best, even if our props were so disorganised.

What could I do? I couldn't let my face melt into a scowl or an expressionless mask that I would use ever so often to hide my emotions, they were trying t0 cheer us up, so I could only smile and thank them for trying to cheer us up. I guess I was also thankful for them because it gave me another excuse to concentrate on something else.

After we went back to the school's hostel hall, I gave the girls some time off to recompose themselves and make themselves comfortable before I told them the reasons as to why we lost. Then I had to hold a short Cha Cha session and a dance off to let them unwind after hearing the reasons when all I wanted was for the day to end. Unfortunately, I still had my duty to them as the director to pull everything together, so I summoned another facade and acted again.

After school, I met a couple of my friends and told them the news. When I was getting to the reasons, something in me just broke, to say the least. Tears started leaking from my eyes and it was all that I could do to stop myself from sobbing in front of my friends, the other students, the students' parents, and my own father. I really wish that I had a sign saying "Leave me alone for a few minutes so that I can recompose myself!!!" because I almost managed to pull myself together.

Unfortunately, my father chose the wrong time to have a protective streak, because he immediately came to me and asked what was going on. When my friends couldn't answer him because they didn't know who he was, and I couldn't answer him because I was desperately wrestling for control over my emotions, he took things into his own hands and said something stupid. While I can't remember what he said, I was really really angry. I rebuffed him and indirectly told, no, ordered him to take back his words. I didn't scream at him, but my voice was so hostile, so sharp, and yet so calm with a hint of deadliness in it that my father was taken aback.

It's safe to say that this was the beginning of my emotional breakdowns. The second one happened when I called up another friend of mine, desperately seeking comfort. I blurted out everything to him and started crying for real, tears and gasping, no snot. I really didn't want to cry, but the dam in me refused to hold up, so I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity. At the very least, I managed to temporarily control myself for the time being.

I guess that the fact that he was there to help cheer me up helped slightly, that was one of the times where I was thankful to have a friend who was willing to listen through my tears and wait for me to finish instead of trying to make me stop. I let myself go a little so that I could feel better, but in doing so, I unconsciously clung onto him for comfort and didn't realise it until a few days later after my second breakdown.

I would constantly call him for the next few days, I had somethings to say, but I lacked the words to voice it out. I knew I was getting annoying, but he was unfortunately too nice to voice it through words, and did so through his actions. Well, they were subtle signs here and there, and I was getting pissed off with how I was acting, so I practically forced myself to get a grip and move on without a word. Unfortunately, it was still a little too early and I didn't think things through.

I immersed myself in all other activities in order to not think about it, and that led to my third breakdown. I was in Perak, Taiping to clean my ancestors' graves, and my father decided to teach me how to ride the motorbike. Damn it, of all the times to start thinking of drama. My thoughts were so divided I couldn't even focus on what he was trying to teach me, my mind was like a sieve and I was desperately trying to control my emotions and focus on what he was teaching me, knowing that he was getting frustrated with me as I am myself.

After we decided to give it a rest as we were going no where, I suddenly lashed out at my father, saying that he was the worst teacher that I ever had. He lashed back at me saying that I was the stupidest student he had ever had and started comparing me with my siblings. Of all the bloody things to do, he just had to compare me with my siblings. Now that I think of it, I can never ever find it in me to actually respect him, not now, not ever, because some scars were too deep to really be healed.

Anyway, I asked to be excused from all my other relatives to make a phone call. My nerves and emotions were already battered enough that I was practically shaking and my face was so pale. I can't really remember the exact details, but I think I called Adeline first, but she had her piano lesson then, so I had to hang up. Then I called another friend, but her phone was unning out of battery. Then another friend called me but unfortunately didn't do anything to ebb the flow of tears and pain. Finally, Adeline finished her class and called me.

I can't remember the exact details of what we talked about, but all I know is that I managed to compose myself, even when I was thinking of the one person who I would have prefered to call for some reason I have no idea why. Well screw it, I can't go one depending on people like this, neither am I a weak person who needs help.

Either way, if this can't help me sleep at night without nightmares, then I'm going to result to sleeping pills. God knows how much I need sleep.

I hate my !@#$% younger brother!

2009-04-08T14:00:00.001+08:00

I am really really pissed off! The damned brat is going to really suffer one say when I get some laxatives to make him pay! He had the gall to declare like some sort of prince that my sister and I are to wash up the dishes after HE finished eating! He was the last to finish, and that means that he is supposed to wash up! Then after using the vacuum cleaner for no particular reason at all, he nearly dumped the whole pail full of dirty water on ME!!! Then he has the gall to act as though he owns the house or he is the king of the world!!!

Why the hell did my mother not abort him when she found out that she was pregnant with him even though he was unplanned?! She would have saved my sister and I from a hell lot of headaches! Simply put, I HATE HIM!!!!! God damn it!!! If I could kill him and get away with it I would have done it a long long long time ago when he gave me a black eye!

On second thought, I hope that one day he gets beaten up by some gang that he crossed at school because of his attitude. Since he's in a school that has quite a lot of delinquents, it shouldn't be much of a problem at all. He is such a stain to our image, imagine his 2 older sisters in a premier school and yet he chose to stay in a school like that! He has the grades to make it into another school that is much better and challenging for him, and yet he chose to stay at his current school because he doesn't want to lose control and power over his peers! Such a coward!!! He's rude not only to his seniors, he has no respect for authority and has such a high-handed attitude that it's surprising that he's lasted this long without getting ganged up on.

Actually just recently, he had injured his toe for one stupid reason or another, and his 'friend' stepped on it on purpose! Well good for him, I'm so smug and pleased that I would have congratulated and thanked his 'friend' in front of the brat and treat him to a good meal! What more, it was just a flesh wound, it didn't even need stitches/injections or anything! Just some disinfectant and bandages, and yet he treated it as though the wound would cripple him! Such an idiot, then again someone with his head stuck so far up his ass wouldn't be able to differentiate a minor wound from a major wound even if it struck him across the face with a dictionary!

Note to self, remember to inquire about what kind of laxatives are tasteless, harmless but pack enough punch to send him to the bathroom for an hour straight. Of course I wouldn't let him know, after all it would give me greater satisfaction to know that he won't have anyone to take revenge on. I'm pretty sure that my sister would support me in this prank of mine, if not then it's her loss.

I know I may seem cruel, but if you've lived with this brat for more than 13 years, then you'll be as happy as I am to start plotting on how to make him suffer.